The Woefully Angsty Tale of Kabuto
by webofdreams89
Summary: Kabuto: the drama, the jealousy, the revenge, and the very strange past that no one really knows about. OroKab. OroSasu. OroIta. SasuNaruMewtwo? Crack, pure and simple.


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**Author's Notes: I really don't know where to start with this story. And there isn't really all that much I can say about it either. Except that, for the record, I was not high when I wrote this. **

**Summary: Kabuto: the drama, the jealousy, the revenge, and the very strange past that no one really knows about. Crack, with crack pairings. OroKab. One-sided OroSasu. OroIta. SasuNaru. ItaKisa. SasuMewtwo?**

**Disclaimer: This story is purely CRACK. I came up with in class yesterday because I was BORED and the thought of it entertained me. That's all. It makes fun of a lot of characters, including ones that I happen to like, but it is all just in good fun. Oh, yeah, and I don't own a like of it, not Naruto nor Pokémon. They go to their respective trademarks. Also, possible story spoilers. Read at your own risk.**

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**The Woefully Angsty Tale of Kabuto**

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a.k.a.**

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Confessions of a Former Pokemon**

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You might not know the truth. Many don't. Few do.

Naruto doesn't know the truth, but Naruto doesn't really know much of anything. And Sasuke doesn't know the truth, but Sasuke doesn't care about jackshit, so it's not surprising. Hell, even _Orochimaru_ doesn't know the truth, and that was saying a lot.

But Kabuto does. After all, it happened to him.

Most peopleknow Kabuto's story, of how he was a poor little orphaned boy found on a battle field, all alone and amnesiatic. They know how he was adopted by a chief medical officer, taught medical ninjutsu, and failed the Chuunin exams four years in a row, a grand total of seven times. They know he's Big Oro's right hand man, his bitch and Baby Mama, and that he betrayed Konaha.

And it's all true, of course. But what no one knows is the truth behind the truth. The reason behind the reason, the cause behind the cause. What no one knows is that….that….Kabuto used to be a Pokémon.

Yes, it's true. You probably don't believe me. I wouldn't believe me, that's for sure. But you should keep reading. Then you'll be one of the few that does know the truth. The selected few and the priveledged.

Kabuto was born along with his nine-hundred-ninety-nine siblings, hatching from a quaint little toupe colored egg and emerging forth into the world as an ugly little Kabuto. He had an ugly brown shell and ugly glowing purple eyes that were so filled with intelligence that Kabuto's mother, instead of snacking on her smallest hatched child when she was oh, so annoyingly hungry, decided that he just might be of some use to her in the future. After abandoning all nine-hundred-ninety-nine children and pansy of a husband, Mama Kabuto dragged her child with her to a most very important meeting.

Now this very important meeting, and it was most very important you see, was a Secret Society of Pokémon who only had one goal in mind, much like the Akatsuki. And that's what they called themselves, the Secret Society of Pokemon, which is such a good name.

Well, this secret society wanted nothing more than to take over the entire galaxy. Galaxy.

They were pumped, they were determined, and Kabuto, being the whipped little Mama's boy that he was, agreed to help the Secret Society of Pokemon in the taking over of the entire galaxy.

The very Secret Society's leader, Mewtwo, who Ash managed to persuade in the first Pokémon movie that killing humans was bad, decided he'd try a different approach to his most diabolical plans. While Ash had said that killing humans was bad, he never said that killing the human look-a-likes on a far away planet was bad. Hello, loophole!

See, Mewtwo had proof, _proof _I tell you, proof, that those look-a-likes on the far away planet were not, in fact, human. They had some kind of mysterious power that enabled them to leap high into the air, to walk on water and sideways up walls, to occasionally see the future or through people's clothing if they had the right pair of funny looking eyes. Surely these creatures, Mewtwo concluded, were not humans because they just weren't as pathetic as humans. In fact, Mewtwo was positive that they would prove to be a much greater challenge. And, contrary to popular belief, Mewtwo got off on hard challenges.

So he devised a plan. He would send Mama Kabuto's most very intelligent son to this planet, to assimilate and get a feel for the place before he would eventually report back with tons of exciting details on the best way to kill these weird, human-esque things called shinobi.

So Mewtwo, with his completely awesome psychic powers that all the other Pokémon secretly envied, placed his three-fingered hand atop little Kabuto's head (which was just a continuation of his stupid beetle shell, but for the purposes of this story, we'll call it a head) and made him look like a human. He was so generous that he even transferred some of those completely awesome psychic powers onto the young Pokémon-turned-shinobi so he would blend in much easier.

But see, Mewtwo wasn't nearly as smart as he thought he was, and nearly got his little spy murdered the very second he landed on the strange planet with the strange humanoids. He failed to realize that, gee, shinobi are just as blood-thirsty as humans, and plopped baby Kabuto right into the middle of a huge, ginormpous battle that was going on.

And poor little scared Kabuto watched on as these shinobi murdered each other right in front of his now human look-a-like eyes. Kabuto felt his eyes fill with liquid and was confused as all hell because he just didn't know what was going on.

Once the battle was over and Kabuto was rooted to the ground among a large pile of dead guys, tears streaming from his chubby little face, a man found him. "What's your name, son?" the man asked Kabuto.

And Kabuto, being born a Pokémon, only had one thing to say. "K-Kabuto!" he squeaked with his new voice, not having yet learned the language.

"Kabuto, huh? Well, why don't you come with me, Kabuto. I'll take you back to my village and get you cleaned up." He grasped little Kabuto's hand and began heading for the rest of his friends. Unfortunately, Kabuto slipped on a strange looking thing that he later learned was called an eyeball, hitting his head on a very hard, very thick looking skull of a very ugly dead guy.

Sadly, when Kabuto came to several hours later, lying in a dark place, he realized he had forgotten why he was on this strange new planet in the first place. In fact, he forgot that he didn't even really belong on this planet, forgetting that he was supposed to remember anything at all in the first place!

And so he grew up.

When he was thirteen, Kabuto was put under a spell by a weird looking man named Sasori who had a thing for puppets, making Kabuto suspect that he did dirty things to him like his dad once told him that lonesome old men sometimes do to dolls.

Sasori told Kabuto that it would he his job to spy on a weird looking man named Orochimaru. See, Sasori, unlike Mewtwo, thought things through before executing a plan. Sasori knew that Oro was a closet pedophile and wouldn't think twice about letting Kabuto into his ranks because he was a young boy.

And when Kabuto showed up on Oro's doorstep, it was love at first lick, as Oro's huge creepy tongue covered the poor infatuated boy in slobber/slim. Kabuto, even with Sasori's mind-control and dripping in spittle, knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the sickening Voldemort-esque man in front of him. He just knew they were destined to be together. Forever. And have lots of babies.

Oro quickly took off the mind-control and asked Kabuto if he still wanted to stay with him. And Kabuto, being so infatuated with Orochimaru as he was, said yes. At that point, Kabuto even remembered that he wasn't really a shinobi, that he was born on another planet and was a Pokemon, but none of that no longer mattered because Orochimaru made him feel complete, just like Sweeney Todd after he got his razors back. I'm sure you remember the scene, especially since there's a nice shot of Johnny Depp's…but back to Kabuto and his most woefully woeful story.

Things with Orochimaru were great for many years. The two had butt-sex every single night and Kabuto couldn't remember ever being happier. Things were great, peachy, marvelous, etc.

That is, until _he_ came along.

What Kabuto didn't know was that before Oro left the Akatsuki, he and Uchiha Itachi had a wonderful and illustrious affair. They loved each other most dearly, but that stupid Kisame always had to get in the way.

At one point, he snipped off all of Oro's man parts just so he couldn't have butt-sex with the object of Kisame's eternal affections anymore. And Oro, so blasted depressed, was forced to leave the organization in search of a new body so he could make sweet, sweet love to his favorite boyfriend once again. However, upon having found the perfect body and returning to Itachi, Oro discovered that his bestest boyfriend had moved on, that stupid Shark-face finally winning. And Shark-face went on to threaten Oro, saying that if he ever came near his cuddle bunny again, he would cut off Oro's junk a second time.

Orochimaru, remembering how painful it was to have his gonads removed, left at once.

And that, kiddies, is the real reason Orochimaru was always on the lookout for new bodies, so he could get back with Itachi and make him want him again.

Depressed, Oro decided to start his own village where he could have lots of boyfriends just so he wouldn't have to be lonely anymore. Being born fugly didn't give him many options of getting some throughout his lifetime.

But when Kabuto showed up, Oro became happy again. He dressed his new little boyfriend in cute, cute pink dresses and even put pretty little bows in the boy's hair. He played hide and go seek and gave Kabuto a lollypop every single day so he could enjoy a treat while secretly getting some practice in.

Unfortunately for Kabuto, Oro discovered that Itachi had a little brother still living in Konaha. He just had to see Sasuke at once! After all, Sasuke was Itachi's brother so they probably looked like each other, right? And best of all, Sasuke was still a little boy! Oro was in heaven!

Once Orochimaru finally convinced Sasuke to come live with him, Kabuto decided to keep an eye on the boy. There was no way he was going to let a stupid little runt have his love, thinking that even _Naruto_ was better for Orochimaru than that stupid Sasuke.

The feelings between Oro and Sasuke seemed to be one-sided, so Kabuto wasn't too worried. He just wished Oro would love him again! Oh woe!

But one day, that stupid, arrogant, Uchiha decided he didn't need Oro anymore and decided to kill him before leaving forever. Kabuto knew that there was only one thing that he could do! So he transplanted parts of Oro's body onto his. Thus, they became one!

Kabuto hadn't felt this close to Orochimaru since the first time they made love! He was just so damned happy that he almost forgot about his revenge. Almost.

What he had to do next was self-explanatory enough. Sasuke killed his love, so Kabuto had no choice but to kill Sasuke's.

Everyone who has ever read Narutoknows that Sasuke only ever got it up for one person, and that was the cute, little blond title character himself! Naruto! Sasunaru forever! And Sasuke wanted Naruto's ass as bad as Naruto wanted ramen. Do you fully understand how much that is? Do you? I don't know if you do, but I'll continue with this sad, sad tale of Kabuto's life.

So Kabuto went after Naruto, cornering him in a very secluded place with no one else around. No, you sick pervert! Kabuto was not seducing Naruto! Because that would just be wrong on so many levels!

But anyway, Kabuto told Naruto that he was going to die right then, right there.

Naruto merely raised an eyebrow. "Like hell I'll lose to you!" he said, his voice grating on Kabuto's nerves once again. "I'll pulverize you with my new jutsu and you'll be crying to your mama!" There was irony in that statement, Kabuto just didn't realize it yet. Because Naruto actually _knew _Kabuto's mom.

He found out quickly enough when Naruto pulled a zipper from his belly button, unzipping his skin and revealing a very surprising and all too familiar person, er, Pokémon. Before him stood Mewtwo, leader of the Secret Society!

"You have betrayed us, Kabuto," Mewtwo said to him. "I decided to hide myself among society so I could keep an eye on you. You were supposed to spy on this planet for us, but instead you just had butt-sex with that freaky pedophile you love so much. So now you must die!"

With that, Mewtwo used his super, awesome psychic powers to kill Kabuto, thusly gaining back the powers he gave Kabuto to begin with.

And Kabuto fell on the ground, dead as a doornail.

It was then that Sasuke decided to stroll up. Naruto/Mewtwo had just enough time to pull the Naruto skin back on before Sasuke noticed. It was then that Mewtwo realized that Orochimaru actually had good taste in shinobi some of the time (Kabuto didn't count because he was a traitor bastard to Pokémon everywhere). So Mewtwo decided that he would have a little fun on this planet before he had to take it over.

Walking up to Sasuke and throwing the boy on the ground, Mewtwo proceeded to make sweet, sweet love to the Uchiha right next to Kabuto's corpse, not noticing that his body had shriveled up into a brown, ugly beetle.

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**A/N: review?**

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